Future

I am going to take some time to discover myself...I am going to abandon that which I had resigned myself to being and actually figure out who I AM and who I want to be. I am going to stop living in the world of jealousy, paranoia, hate, depression, and preoccupation. I am going to to embrace peace and serenity...as corny as that sounds that is my plan....Somewhere along my journey of life so far I have lost myself, and it is time to find myself again. I am tired of living in fear of the unknown and being paranoid about everything and everyone. I am so wrapped up in being depressed and hating myself that I don't really even know who I am anymore. I worry more about my husband and what he may or not be doing behind my back that I have no room left in my heart to love him like I used to........I am going to find me...I may lose who I thought I was along the way, but it can only get better from here.....

I am......

I am a wisp of smoke in the wind.

I am the nameless face that stands behind you.

I am your paperweight holding down your fortress.

I am your slave waiting to be given orders.

I am the child that is afraid of you and quakes at your anger.

I am the tongue that says what yours cannot.

I am the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

I am small and helpless in your eyes.

I am stupid.

I am numb.

I am cold.

I am afraid.

I am sad.

I am your pin cushion to be used only when you wish it.

I am your errand girl who runs only when you will it.

I am your shoulder to cry on even though you will not see it.

I am your rock even though you will never admit it.

I am your constant amidst all your chaos.

I am your safety from your self-inflicted danger.

I am the thorn in your side.

I am the voice you wish to drown out the most.

I am all of these things and yet there is one thing that I am not......

I am not your LOVE.................

As I walked through the shadows, silently creeping,
I heard a small noise, a child's frightened weeping,
She was what I'd been hunting, up my spine came a chill,
I crept ever closer and I braced for the kill,
My muscles were twitching, my paws ached to leap,
As I watched the small figure lying there in a heap,
Her body was shaking, hands over her head,
Little did she know that soon she would be dead,
She looked up quite suddenly, as if in suprise,
And she stared at me with her sparkling eyes
She was pale as a ghost, yet her face was still gleaming.
As I lept to attack her, she was smiling, not screaming,
Suddenly in mid-air I realized my mistake,
This child was not crying, it all had been fake,
Terror struck my mind as understanding came,
I had always been the target in this dangerous game,
She opened her mouth and spread her teeth wide,
As she ran at me in a nonhuman stride,
Before I could adjust or have time to think,
My neck screamed in pain as I felt her teeth sink,
Into my flesh, the warm blood slowly ran,
Down my back as she held me aloft with one hand,
I swung there like a doll, imobile and helpless,
As my life was drained, and I drew my last breath,
I had come here to capture, yet I had been caught,
As I sank to the ground, I thought my last thought,
If I had only known what was going to transpire,
that night in the dark when I met a vampire........

Finally...a completely wonderful day!!!

Today was awesome..there were no fights..no spontaneous bouts of jealousy, and no hatred!! Love it!! Everyone was happy and content with each others company..such a relief after all the stress of the past week!!! I was so happy I could have died!!lol We laughed, we played games, we talked, and we loved...alot!! ;) Anyhoo...yeah, just figured my non existent followers could use a break from all the doom and gloom..even though I know no one actually reads my blog!!haha..I can pretend anyway...that is a benefit of having a vivid imagination!! :) Hope everyone else has been having as awesome a day as I have...LOVE!!!

Just thoughts....

I just want to know that i make a difference, even in some small way, in the world, that i am not just performing the motions, not being someones doll, with plastic smiles and programmed happiness....

I feel like i am not really here...i am just watching my life in a third person view...as though i am watching a silent film that never ends...sometimes when I sit and think my mind just goes blank...like I have been paused and there is nothing..no noise...no movement, just me sitting there with the world constantly spinning around me....I don't remember what my last thought was or even how I got where I am..all I know is that I am there, still sitting in my chair, so small in such a big world. When I stand up I feel as though I am a mere few inches from the ground and that I will soon topple from my precarious pedestal, shattering into millions of tiny pieces to be carried away by the wind..unnoticed by anyone as my fragments catch in their hair or land beneath their shoes.....

A secret place

I want to find a secret place...somewhere that no one knows about..Do you suppose there are really magical places like there are in movies? I guess if there were we would have already heard about it by whoever discovered them, but if I were to discover a magical place where dreams really do come true I don't think I would tell a soul....you may think this is selfish, but suppose I did tell just one person..then that person would go and tell another person and so on and so forth until the whole world knew of this magical, secret place and it would no longer be a secret. Then as time went on and the world with all its corruption took hold of the place..it would soon lose its magic because if everyone knows about it..then it wouldn't be so magical..it would be ordinary..lol Wow..I do prattle on forever about nothing don't I? :) Anyhoo, If I did find a magical place, I hope it would not be a pixie land...like rainbows and sunshine and shit like that..I would rather have a mysterious place that was dark and had a warm breeze flowing through the willow trees while a light mist gently sprayed onto my face with the wind....That would be my ideal place...where horses run free, but yet they still love to be ridden and come right up to you so you can ride them...where you can jump off a towering cliff, spread your arms, and fly! Where you can dance on the surfaces of all the lakes and ponds..yes..even the ocean..without fear of being eaten by a shark or drowning. Where the meadows and trees go on forever and you can run for miles and never tire..I felt like that once..I was in a field and I saw a rabbit and I decided to chase it...I took off running and that is the most free I have ever felt in my life..I felt like I would never have to stop for air..There was a wonderful warm wind going that day and every time my feet left the ground it seemed the wind blew just then and carried my feet swiftly across the field..I would almost swear I must have covered a mile in a matter of seconds...I truly felt like I was nearly flying and that if it weren't for the accursed gravity I could have sprung from the ground and glided across the field! Oh, to go back to that day..I will never forget it!! It brings a smile to my lips just to think about it...

The angel of my heart...

I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes...deep in his beautiful slumber land...he is my heart, my angel...the guardian of my soul..and the thing that keeps me from my doom. He is so small and so innocent and yet he is my foundation, the one thing that keeps my pedestal intact. His big, beautiful, blue eyes gaze at me with such love and happiness that I can't continue being sad for always. When I am sobbing, feeling like I am all alone...he sidles up to me and puts his tiny, soft hand on my cheek and though he can not yet speak a word..his actions speak volumes..as if by that one little touch, the gentle patting of my cheek, he is saying, "there there mother...it will all be alright, I will not abandon you no matter what happens." He is steadfast and unwavering and no matter where I go, no matter what I do he will always be my one and only true and unconditional love. When I wake in the morning the first thing that pops into my head is his small, cherub face...I want to rush into his room and wake him from his sweet dreams in my selfishness to have his attention. His smile warms my heart and cures all illness..everything I do right, I do for him...if there is one thing in the world I am determined not to fail at..it is the care and upbringing of my cherished treasure....I love you darling...for always! ----Your Mommy